


Logan: "Emotions Are Not My Thing"

by Fangirltothefullest



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, tiny bit of princeity at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-19 22:52:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14882742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirltothefullest/pseuds/Fangirltothefullest
Summary: Logan has a mental breakdown because he is in love with Patton and he has no idea how to comprehend this knowledge.





	Logan: "Emotions Are Not My Thing"

“Emotions are not my thing.”That is what Logan always says and has forever said. He is blunt, concise and honest about the topic and he has always said the same kinds of things whenever that topic comes up in Thomas’s self-reflection moments. Logan is  _logic._ He is rational and reasonable and so darn linear that working with him can be very difficult at times because he understands the concept of emotions and understands how they function and why they function and what spawns changes in them, and yet when it comes to having his own emotions, he cannot process them to save his life.

But it isn’t that he doesn’t have emotions. He does. He is more than just logic, he is a passion for learning, a lover of the pursuit of knowledge and higher thinking. He has plenty of emotions, they are just subtle. He just has no clue how to… “cope” with them exactly. So he buries them because the one who holds the strongest emotions is  _Patton_. Patton is responsible for being the core of most of Thomas’s emotions, but not all of them. Each of the Sides has plenty of emotions and they all usually tend to show them willingly, even Virgil who has been opening up more. Yet in Logan’s analytical and linear driven mind, Patton is at the core of most of Thomas’s emotions and should therefore be responsible for ALL of them.

Logan is not like that.

Logan is studious and blunt and intelligent and knows too many things for his own good. He is above all that emotional childish nonsense.

At least…. That’s what he  _thought_ anyways. That is what he has time and again tried to tell himself.

He’s not devoid of emotions and he’s never really tried to be. He is just more rational and reasonable than the others because he chooses to try and look at life through less of the emotional lens and stuff all those nonsensical, unreasonable emotions in a place within him that he can lock away and not have to deal with. He works very hard to keep Thomas grounded and often actively fights against the strong emotions which could lead him down a negative path.

But Logan isn’t a robot. When you work so hard to walk the linear path, you forget that sometimes that path means walking around better scenarios. He’d already seen himself leading Thomas astray more than once simply using deductive reasoning alone. But most of the time his methods work.

The others (Roman mainly) call him things like ‘specs’ and ‘nerd’, but it’s literally his job to be those things. It’s his job to hyper focus and rationalize and discuss everything. He can’t look at life any other way. His mind a series of constantly shuffling facts and figures; always doing the math, always thinking fifteen steps ahead because that keeps him grounded and that keeps the world making sense.

But he can’t fully get rid of the emotions he has, only bury them, and when he does that they end up just sort of bursting out when he becomes passionate at the least opportune moments. Who could blame him though? Crofter’s Jelly is just too darn good for him to hold back any emotionally charged response he has to it. And besides, studies have shown that the right brain/left brain scenario really isn’t so black and white. The brain is a very complex thing and separating Logan from the others as if he had no feelings at all would be silly.

But Logan is not used to being in touch with his feelings, which is why he is in the state he is in at the moment. Logan is pacing back and forth. He is in his room, the walls lined with white boards that have all been scribbled on in his very specific, very neat and orderly handwriting. His tidy bed has note cards scattered all over it and on the edge of the bed sits Virgil who is watching him pace passively. “I mean it’s not that hard to understand….” Virgil says.

“Yes it IS.” Logan runs a hand through his hair again and messes up the usually well-kept look. “It is way too complicated for me to understand, I am COMPLETELY unused to this. There is no sense in it!”

“You’re overthinking this Logan.” Virgil leans his head on his hand. “And that’s rich advice coming from… well…  _me_.”

Logan moves to another white board, one of the only ones left that has nothing on it, and begins to scribble equations frantically. “It’s just… I am _Logic_ … I am  _reason_ …. I am….  _math_  and  _science_  and  _calculations_  and  _learning_  and… and…”

“And….?” Virgil cracks a smile, finding it so amusing that the other is having so much difficulty with this. His hair is frazzled, his usually well-kept tie is askew, and his shirt is no longer tucked in, He looks, in Virgil’s mind, a right mess.

“AND, I am not good with-” He gestures with the marker before shaking his head and starting to scribble again. “You know… THIS.”

“You could call it like it is, you know.”

“ _Fine_.” He turns, face red and flustered and crosses his arms, practically pouting. “I am not good with  _‘love’_.”

“You and I both know that’s bullshit Logan.” Virgil crossed his legs and let his hands rest in his lap, fiddling with his sleeve zipper.

“Language, Virgil.”

Virgil shrugs. “You aren’t good with facing your feelings Lo, that’s true, but you definitely know what love is. You care about Thomas and about Roman and myself and Patton.” At the last name Logan visibly flinches.

“I know it… I… uhg… feel it…” He runs a hand through his hair and goes back to mapping equations but just like before they all come out the same, numbers and figures coalescing into the shape of a heart with glasses. “UHG!” He throws the marker and Virgil leans to the side as it smashes off to his right and smears against the wall. He knows Logan is going ot be furious about that later but he doesn’t really care. He’s thoroughly amused.

“Why did you come to me if you didn’t want to talk about it?” Virgil asks, “you clearly have made up your mind that you want to flat out ignore the things you’re feeling. Besides…” He slouches a little. “Isn’t Roman the romantic one?”

“I don’t need romance, I need sense!” Logan runs his hand over the white board and smears the equation-shaped-like-Patton’s-symbol in irritation. “I need someone who is more rational than Roman and who isn’t-“

“Who isn’t the one you’re crushing on.” Virgil sees the other’s hackles rise and it’s so uncomfortable he feels like laughing, so he hides the light and nervous chuckle behind his hand. “Logan just talk to him. Your overthinking is literally making my skin crawl.” He is so uncomfortable right now, but he keeps staying because he cares about Logan and as much as Roman would be the better one to talk to about romance, he can be overbearing and too fanciful for Logan and Virgil, who understand the concepts of subtlty more.

Except for now where Logan is a mess and Virgil has no real advice for him other than just going to Patton and talking to him…. which would be a logical step if the logical side wasn’t overthinking.

Logan looks at him and his shoulders deflate. “Virgil…. I can’t… I’m…. what even am I if I am not logic? If I am full of these ridiculous feelings I can’t push aside what will happen to me? To Thomas?”

Virgil shrugs and defaults to picking at his nails, not liking the way the other is staring down at him so pointedly. “Look, I can’t solve your problems Lo. You’re… um… you’re the one who has to. The more you stress, the more I stress and it’s giving me… it’s making me….. I mean…” He is too flustered and the more red Logan gets and the more he thinks about it, the worse Virgil feels. It’s like ants crawling up his skin and he wants to move anywhere else. Why on earth did he agree to come into this room? “Please just talk to him…. weren’t you the one who said that things like dating are for copulating and stuff?”

“BUT IT’S MORE THAN THAT VIRGIL!” Logan spins around and doesn’t mean to be so loud but his emotions are running high and he can’t keep them contained any more. Virgil visibly tenses, his eyes going wide and dilating to almost perfect black circles. He backs up out of automatic flight response and Logan immediately regrets shouting. “Sorry…. I am so sorry Virgil…” He reaches a hand out and the other reached back his shaky hand and takes it, trying desperately to still his thundering pulse. It’s not going to go down any time soon but that was something he knew how to handle even if he didn’t like it.

“You are obviously right,” Logan continues, “but I can’t just go to Patton and be like yes hello I would like to copulate with you. There is nothing…. There is no…. I mean logically we cannot reproduce.” He squeezes Virgil’s hand and the other squeezes back with surprising strength. Logan is used to it. He is not good with comforting but Virgil likes contact and this way he gets to choose how much contact he needs. So he pulls him closer and holds into Logan’s arm. “So it’s not… it isn’t a logical or biological thing. It’s _feeling_  based.” Logan’s face scrunches in almost miserable disgust. “What am I supposed to do with that? It’s NOT my area, it’s complicated and confusing and I can’t categorize it.”

“Emotions are not my thing.” Logan is thinking too much.

“Then…” Virgil takes a steadying breath. It’s very hard to think when his thoughts are being overrun with Logan’s frantic confused worries. He is having a lot of trouble focusing. “Just…”

“Talk to him.” Logan relents. “I know.” He sighs and takes his other hand to ruffle through Virgil’s hair. Hecan see the other closing his eyes and senses the tension is still there. It’s his own fault, he’s making Virgil this way and he doesn’t mean to but it’s happening nonetheless. “I will speak with him… and hopefully sort this out. I promise I won’t make you feel any worse.”

“Not your fault.” Virgil replies as he leans into the touch. It’s grounding.

Eventually he lets go and Virgil leans back. “You can stay in my bed for a while if it’ll help.” Virgil shapes his head and quietly moves to leave. His room might heighten Thomas’s anxiety but it’s HIS room, it’s his safe space. It has his blankets and his headphones and Black Parade, the teddy bear that Patton made him. He is safe there so he leaves and Logan understands that it isn’t a jab at him.

When Logan sees Patton, he  _feels_  something he can’t describe. It sucks more than anything else to know that he has no way of categorizing that feeling. But he approaches and Patton turns all sparkly eyed and looks up at him. He has been in the kitchen writing down recipes with Roman who was coming up with all kinds of ideas. When Roman sees Logan and the state he is in though, his eyes go wide and he immediately leaves the room.

Leave it to Roman to sense the romance in the air…..

“Patton.” Logan begins and the other smiles.

“Hey Logan! Wow you look unkempt, are you ok?”

“Uh….” How does one human when looking at Patton? How does one be a person when looking at a ray of literal sunshine wrapped in a cinnamon roll packaging? “I have been going over the data of a problem I have been having with no luck finding a solution.”

Patton smiles and Logan almost dies at the way he does that. “Oh ok, just make sure you get lots of rest and lots of food and stuff. I know how much you work, and you and I both know you neglect yourself when you study too hard.” He moves and adjusts Logan’s tie and the logical side is aptly aware if the movements of his fingers and the closeness as he resituates it in that ultimate dad friend way he has always had.

“I was just making recipes with Roman.” Patton explains as he steps away from the fixed tie and moves to straightening Logan;s hair and pulling his shirt out so at least it’s not unevenly tucked in any more. There is a faint blush on his cheeks and his ears that Logan is all too aware of. “This one here is a pear pound cake I think you’ll like and this one has plums in it.” He moves away and Logan regrets it, seeing him bring up the recipe book he was so fond of filling. IT has little stars and cupcakes on it with rainbow sprinkles. He had drawn it himself. He wasn’t the best artist but boy did he try. “I really like Roman’s idea though of a pie inside of a cake so like three layers of nothing but awesomeness!”

Logan blinks. “You realize a pie inside of a cake is going to get all mushy due to the cake part… right? And the whole point of cakes and pies being separate was a deliberate thing? The cake will collapse the moment you try and cut into the pie and the pie’s integrity spills out…..”

“Nonsense!” Patton’s smile has Logan transfixed as he goes on to explain all the benefits of a pie inside of a cake and Logan is really not paying attention any more and it takes too long of Patton saying, “Logan? You still with us?” before he finally blinks and a faint blush spreads across his cheeks. “You ok?”

Logan gulps. There is no logic to these feelings. There is no rationalizing why he has them, how he has them or if they are really as deep as he feels them. There is no organizing why he feels them, only 10 specific reasons that continue to tick in his brain as to why they keeps showing up.

  1. Deep brown eyes you could drown in
  2. A smile that could melt the butter he uses to bake with
  3. A cheery attitude that is entirely silly and childlike but somehow alluring
  4. A personality Logan is drawn to like a moth to a flame
  5. Clever dad puns Logan hates to admit are both funny and witty
  6. Open, honest, caring, affectionate, deep, and so very loving
  7. Passionate about anything and everything
  8. Accepting of everyone and everything no matter what because he has too much love to give
  9. Constantly monitoring everyone’s emotions and wellbeing, sometimes to the neglect of his own, which Logan hates but also loves about him
  10. Soft and warm hugs…. Patton’s hugs are the best hugs and there is no getting around it



**_Shit._ **

“I…. love you.” Logan states. No build up, no explanation, he just stands there looking at him and Patton’s head shoots up with a look of confused shock.

“What…?”

“I love you.”

“Well I know you care about us, silly. And anyways I think a peach pie and vanilla cake might go well together.” Patton shies his gaze away and Logan recognizes him closing off. He stands a little more with his shoulders hunched, a little too preoccupied with the book.

“No Patton.” Logan steps closer and lowers the book so Patton has to look up at him. “I love…  _you_.”  

“That’s  _not fair,_ Logan….” Patton pulls the book close to his chest and clutches it as his face goes even more red. He speaks quietly and looks like he’s fighting back tears. “You can’t just do experiments on us like this. I know you’re all interested in science and stuff Logan but I have feelings… lots of feelings… please don’t toy with them because you hate the idea of them. It’s…. it’s not nice….”

It breaks Logan’s heart to hear that Patton thinks he doesn’t care about feelings at all. He does, he is just not good with them and knows they cloud judgement. “I don’t do feelings well but I do have them, Patton. Usually I push them aside because they frustrate me and they can be hard on Thomas when he needs reason. But….” Patton was still looking unsure and Logan sighs. “Look…. I love the way you smile and the way you cook and the way that you draw. I love your stupid cat hoodie and the way you sing at the top of your lungs when baking. I love that you care so deeply that I can’t even begin to understand it. I love your warmth and your hugs even if I am very very bad at returning them. I…. I’m logic…” He holds a hand to his head and has no idea what he is saying because it is spilling out. “I can’t understand these feelings because I try very hard not to think about my feelings but yours keep coming up and I can’t push them away. I care about all of you yes but with you it’s different, I can’t STOP thinking about you, I can’t stop watching you. Every little movement makes me happy and I just don’t know what to do with myself! I tried to talk to Virgil but I just ended up making him more anxious and Roman could probably help but he is so out there and preposterous and I wanted you to believe me, not see something grand and assume it was…. it…. It was….”

“An experiment….” Patton’s eyes were huge and round and wide in shock. “Logan you really…?” Frustrated, Logan nods and Patton is immediately hugging him. “OH LOGAN! I LOVE YOU TOO!”

“Well I mean I kind of figured since you love everyone, but-” Patton presses a finger to Logan’s lips, practically bouncing in excitement. “Shush! SHHHHHH SHHHUSH QUIET! SHUT YOUR EVER LOVING MOUTH FLAPPER, I WANT TO KISS YOU, MAY I?”

Logan nods rapidly and the moment they kiss it’s sloppy and confusing but Logan’s world is melted into a confused puddle of emotions he has decided not to try and process or categorize.

In the living room peeking over the counter, Virgil and Roman watch quietly. “Took them long enough.” Virgil grunts.

“I know. Can you imagine if it had taken us that long?” Roman chuckles and Virgil glares at him.

“It did, you beautiful moron.”


End file.
